I decided to SLEEP with my boyfriend whenever he wanted – It started with p0rn. We watched p0rn together sometimes, more his desire than mine, but whatever, it was kind of hot. I mean, p0rn is weird and uns3xy and a bit depressing if you think about it too much or pay a lot of attention to it, but if you can find a good one and pay attention to the beginning only, it can be good.
It’s like watching a horror movie and you tense up and your blood pressure rises even though you know it’s fake — given the stimuli, your body can’t help but produce a physical reaction. Anyways, we watched p0rn together sometimes and I knew he watched it alone.
I’m not like, “the cool girl” who’s totally okay with her boyfriend watching p0rn but I knew it was an uphill battle and one that wasn’t going to end well for either of us, so I tried to use it to bring us closer together.
One night, loosed by a few stiff drinks over ice we drank on his balcony, watching the city lights come on and turn off — the full Metropolitan life cycle in one night — I asked my boyfriend what he liked about p0rn, and whether access to me or all the other women in the world (hotter ones, I even gave him) would be better, ideally. His answer surprised me, it wasn’t about quality or quantity, but about availability.
With me, (and he loved me very much, he clarified), he had to woo me, constantly. S3x was never a given, and this is a biological difference between men and women. He was trying, all the time to make me think of him s3xually and to initiate 3ex and even my higher-than-average female lib1do couldn’t keep up with him.
As loving and as open and assuring as I was towards him, he was still getting rejected by me in this way, often (and even more often if he would be honest about how frequently he wanted s3x).
And so watching p0rn made sense to me in a way it never had before. The fantasy, the real fantasy, was a world free of rejection, from the tired trope of the guy who wants s3x more than his girlfriend does. I felt bad about it, to be honest, as much as I loved him, why did he have to suffer these feelings that he was somehow not enough? By personality, I am a maximizer.
I am the kind of girl with check marks and to-do lists and the one who breaks her New Year’s resolutions into “action items.” So I took this sort-of imbalance in our s3x life as a challenge — what kind of system could we get on that would work for both of us?